Good morning everyone,
It is 4 am in Montreal and I can’t sleep. Right now, as I am writing, I am feeling a lot of emotions inside of me. I am really going to try to put words on everything I am feeling right now, but it won’t be easy at all. Not sure if I will be able to identify them all but I do feel kind of sad.
It makes me sad to realize that no matter what I do, it is never enough.
I am not perfect at all but if there is something I do is TRY.
I keep on trying to be a better person, to love like I have never been hurt.
I am not really good at expressing my emotions, even if I do love to talk.
When it comes to putting words on my feelings, what I mostly do is tell the opposite of everything I am feeling.
Or, when I get to talk about my true feelings, well it comes out in the wrong way.
I feel like I am a mess, a big one but what I know is that I am different.
I am different because even if I have been abused, I refused to hate men.
To hate them was too easy for me to do, so I said no.
All men are not the same, all men are not rapist.
People probably expect us as victims to avoid men, to end up alone because obviously it is not easy in relationships but I said no.
I am trying everyday and the proof is that I am clearly not were I used to be.
I used to be so traumatized that I would hide myself and cry as soon as I hear someone that would sound like the guy who raped me or just looked like him, and all this at a party, so imagine the mess.
I would have so much to say but I think I will stop there, I tried.
I am feeling better already but I just wished I could put words on EVERYTHING I would love to share, probably next time.
God bless you all,
Much love xox