Feeling some type of way

Good morning everyone,

It is 4 am in Montreal and I can’t sleep. Right now, as I am writing, I am feeling a lot of emotions inside of me. I am really going to try to put words on everything I am feeling right now, but it won’t be easy at all. Not sure if I will be able to identify them all but I do feel kind of  sad.

It makes me sad to realize that no matter what I do, it is never enough.

I am not perfect at all but if there is something I do is TRY.

I keep on trying to be a better person, to love like I have never been hurt.

I am not really good at expressing my emotions, even if I do love to talk.

When it comes to putting words on my feelings, what I mostly do is tell the opposite of everything I am feeling.

Or, when I get to talk about my true feelings, well it comes out in the wrong way.

I feel like I am a mess, a big one but what I know is that I am different.

I am different because even if I have been abused, I refused to hate men.

To hate them was too easy for me to do, so I said no.

All men are not the same, all men are not rapist.

People probably expect us as victims to avoid men, to end up alone because obviously it is not easy in relationships but I said no.

I am trying everyday and the proof is that I am clearly not were I used to be.

I used to be so traumatized that I would hide myself and cry as soon as I hear someone that would sound like the guy who raped me or just looked like him, and all this at a party, so imagine the mess.

I would have so much to say but I think I will stop there, I tried.

I am feeling better already but I just wished I could put words on EVERYTHING I would love to share, probably next time.

God bless you all,

Much love xox

 

 

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12 thoughts on “Feeling some type of way

  1. Thank very much for sharing this, dear friend 🙂

    Fear follow certain thought samples, like if we follow certain habits in the same way: the result comes nearly always back with – fear. When this goes on over years then we develop: being afraid of fear, its a fear before the actual fear – there for we have to start to make first small changes, step by step in our life to bring new habits in our life. And one important thing is: to accept one’s fear – when running away from oneself – this fear runs with us, when stopping and accepting it, it also will stop after some time…

    So wishing you all what is good for you
    Didi

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Didi 😊

      Thank you for reading me and taking the time to give me some advice, I feel special ahah. But seriously, you are absolutetly right. I am taking one step at the time, not rushing anything. I just really need to take my healing process seriously, especially knowing that I will need to speak up and share my testimony to find healing. God will give me the strenght and courage to make a START.
      May God bless you Didi, much love ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, He really does and I believe that He got a plan for me. I will listen to that one later, thank you very much. And to be honest, while writing my post and I was listening to I am no victim on repeat, thank you again.
      May God bless you and keep on using you for me 😊❤

      Like

  2. You sweet Angel. I can’t express enough how proud I am of You for sharing how You are feeling so very broadly. You are so strong. I don’t know You or Your situation’s details…but I know SOOOO many women who have been through every degree/kind of rape from being beaten so badly they almost died to the very grotesque subtle rapes women experience. Your courage is golden. Seems to me the emotions You are feeling are so normal….yet You are expressing them. Seeing them. Naming them . Walking through them. Hang tough and be sweet to Yourself. Hold Your head high. You are doing the best You can do right now. And it IS enough. This is Your road. Your experience. You can only deal with it in Your own manner. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. WAW ☺🤗 I am speechless, you actually just made my day. Thank you very much for your comment, you are so right, there is a lot of women going through the same struggle and what most of us have in common is SILENCE. For so many and different reasons we keep silence and that silence slowly kills us from the inside. I am still working on expressing my feelings and emotions, just like I would love to tell you how that comment made me feel when I first read it but words wouldn’t be enough to tell you how good that message made me feel. May God bless your heart and gives you everything you need and desire. Much love ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, You sweet thing! Thank YOU!!! I swear, there’s probably not a day that goes by where someone in blogland isn’t an angel for me in one way or another. You have actually posted daily quotes here and there that have gifted me and today You just gifted a big smile. I felt kindof bad that I didn’t say “people” instead of “women”. God. It astounds me the number of men who go through that as well. And yes. Silence is a killer. You are so right. Thank You again for Your courage! Much Love to You too, and rock on!!! ❤️🤗☀️

        Liked by 1 person

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