There is too many things holding me back. Too many stuff I would like to say but not enough words to express it. Too much people expecting me to be strong, to not let go, to stay calm.. What if all I want is to scream? What if I don’t feel like being strong this time? What if I am getting tired of all this and All I want it is a break but WAIT, CAN I?
I would like to be transparent about my feelings and emotions but CAN I? Or if I do, it would make me a weak person… right? It is hard to be seen like a strong person because I don’t get to crack. No matter what, I always have to keep that smile on my face. Being strong is my best option. Being strong keeps me safe but hurts me more than anything. I feel like everyday I am walking with a burden on my back, MY BURDEN. I can’t even get rid of it, I do want days off sometimes but it is non-negotiable, I am stuck with it. I know that I gotta learn how to live with it and to appreciate everything it holds but CAN I?
Everyday is a challenge for me, so after each day I can call myself a strong woman because I made it through the day. The journey won’t be easy, sometimes I even feel like I am moving 2-3 steps forwards just to move back 10 steps away. That is the reason why I keep asking myself if I am actually strong enough to get over it. And I actually believe that I am but I won’t lie, I get really disappointed sometimes. I even have the feeling that I will never get over it, most of the time and it sucks.
Those kind of days are my daily routines but it will change eventually and I would be happy and proud to share it with all of you. But for now on, I just can’t wait to be completely healed and in peace with my life story.